Halfway

Warning....venting and complaining ahead.....its not all roses people...

21 weeks, halfway....can you believe it....? Some days I can and some days I really can't. I had a little bit of a 'woe is me moment' the other day when I was feeling really uncomfortable, tired, fat and grumpy.......that I am ONLY halfway. I still have another 20 weeks left. Holy S#*@ I thought, what have I done? I let that feeling digest for a little bit, maybe cried a little (maybe) and then picked myself off my most comfortable bed (where I could have laid for 5 hours straight) and figured out what to feed the children that were running around my house...(reality people, reality)
You see I do have days when I think to myself, "what the hell did you sign yourself up for Maureen?...why did you think that this would be fun?" And I feel I can't really complain or vent out loud because who decided to embark on this adventure?....yes that's right, ME......!!
But, then I get reminded in a really amazing way of why I did this....and here it is....

 Little man growing so perfectly and contently in me. We had the 20 week U/S last week and it was so awesome to see him up on the screen wiggling around and showing off for all of us.
 M and E and so, so excited and are so happy and that makes all those feelings of discomfort and the little battles I face so, so worth it. I remember why I decided to do this....I want to give people what I have. I want to give them a family, unconditional love, a future to hold on to....I can give them a forever......pretty powerful stuff......
So yeah, I am uncomfortable, I am feeling fat and not sleeping much.....but that is OK because it is a tiny bit of time in my life for a forever in someone else.
On a happier note, we are off to Disney next week with M & E....they are taking the kiddos and me for a fun day (see, I told you how awesome they are), It is going to be so fabulous and we are so pumped. The following week we get to see little one again in 4D. I never did this with my own 2, so it should be a really fun experience.
Check in soon.......xoxo

17 weeks and counting!

Well my attempt to update weekly has obviously failed. We are already at week 17 and it feels like the time is just flying by.
Thanks for all the positive feedback that you all gave after my initial announcement. Even though I am comfortable with what I have set out to do, it is nice to be supported by friends and family.
So a little about what is going on.......
Tim and I officially told our kids a couple of weeks ago. I am lucky enough to be a part of an amazing surrogate support group with an experienced therapist leading it. She gave me some amazing advice on how to break the news to the kids and I followed it to a T.
Luckily, I pretty much have the most awesome children on the face of the planet (please remind me of this if you ever see me out and about and one of them is throwing down a massive tantrum because I refuse to buy Lucky Charms) and they were totally excited and I feel like they actually "got it". Mike and Ernie had come down to spend the day with all of us 2 days prior to me breaking the news to C & T and it was great. The kids got to know them, so when I told them what was happening, it wasn't so strange for them.
I finally got released to my OB. What a treat to be back in that office with my doctor, he has been so rad and it is so cute to see the office treating M&E like rock stars....promise, i never had this kind of treatment when it was just plain ole me.....but who can blame the staff, the boys are so charming, smell so nice and are perfectly groomed every time...those ladies at the office are all in LOVE!!
 Baby boy looks great every time we go and it is such a relief to me. This is the most extreme babysitting job I have ever had and I constantly worry that little man is growing properly and on schedule.
Just this past few days, I have been a a little uncomfortable. Starting to finally show instead of looking like I gained a cool 15 this summer.....yay for maternity clothes, can we say brand new wardrobe!! whoot-whoot......
 This heat is driving me crazy and the extended summer (that I thought was SO fabulous in JUNE) has broken me. My kids NEED to be back in school and I need to not be with them every second of every day. The hormones, heat and having to entertain them all day is driving me bananas. 4 days......
Next appointment in a couple weeks, can't wait to see the little bugger on the screen.....

I'm Back!!

Well hello there friends and family in blog land.....if you are reading this it is because you are wanting some updates and filler ins on the comings and goings of my ever lasting surrogacy journey.

I am so glad you are here and I can't thank you enough for the support and love that I have had from so many of you already.

A lot of time has passed since my last entry. I was sad, defeated and a little confused as to where my surrogate journey would eventually take me. This roller coaster ride has had ups, downs, twists, turns....all leading to somewhere, just not fully known. While many thought my ride was going to end, I wasn't ready to get off yet, I still was craving the unknown adventure that I had waited for and invested so much time and emotion in.

And here we are........first, lets update.

Last year after my first couple decided to leave the program I immediately was re-matched with a wonderful local couple. Their story was heartbreaking and Tim and I were anxious to work with them. After a quick medical clearance we were at transfer day within just weeks and on the road to pregnatville. After a positive pregnancy test and u/s, sadly the heartbeat stopped at about 6 weeks. Devastated for the IP's (intended parents) and for myself, I wasn't sure as to what would happen.....(The IP's eventually decided to move on and re-matched with another surrogate per their RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) advice.

 After 2 miscarriages, would I still be a candidate for surrogacy? Would anyone want to take a chance on me and what seemed to be my bad luck......My agency was super positive and very supportive of me and after many medical tests to ensure that I was still a good candidate for surrogacy they found me the most perfect and amazing IP's ever.....

I was re-matched with Mike and Ernie (M & E) in early Spring of this past year , 2013. They were all set to go, egg donor in place, research acquired, doctor ready.......best of all they had ZERO expectations. This was their first go at any attempt of baby making and what a RELIEF this was.....my past 2 couples had gone through YEARS of disappointment, carried the burden of infertility on their breaking shoulders and were DESPERATE for a baby.....M & E were such a breath of fresh air; not stressing over little things, wanting what was best for me and EXCITED for the journey........happily, we were matched and the journey began on Memorial Day 2013.

2 perfect embryos were implanted and I am happy to announce that one took and  a beautiful baby is on it's way, due date is February of 2014.

Relief has been pouring through me since the first u/s. I am so happy that my body has been able to help in this process of creating a new life and a new family for M & E. I have taken my time announcing this news to people....I am careful about how I approach the subject as I know the importance of my words and the weight of them. My children are being told slowly and meaningfully as I want them to be a part of the whole process and to be with us every step of the way. What an amazing thing for them to be a part of.

I am appreciative of the support I have gotten so far, I am hopeful that the people I choose to surround myself with and bring into my intimate circle will continue to love and support my family through this awesome adventure.

I am excited to share this journey with you....cheers to an amazing 6 more months!!!



Sad, Sorry, Heartbroken

So I needed a full day to digest all that has happened. It has been about 24 hours of boo-hooing and grumpiness. I needed that....I needed to be sad, sorry and heartbroken. I still am and will continue to be, but today is a new day and I am trying to remember this quote I saw recently on some blog.....

"At any given moment YOU have the power to say this is NOT how the story is going to end....."

YES!!!!!! Heck yes, this is not how this is going to end....this story is going to end in a hospital room with me handing over a precious baby to a set of outstretched awaiting arms.....arms that have longed to hold their child.

As you may have guessed, I am not pregnant. We had our first ultrasound yesterday and discovered that there was no fetal development. I had formed the gestational sac, but it was empty. Words can not express the feelings that I felt when looking at that screen. I just knew. I mean I know I am not an expert, but having been through this twice already with my own babies, I know what a 7 week ultrasound is supposed to look like. It is not supposed to be lifeless, empty and dark.

The feelings that I felt; loss, sadness, grief, anger....not for myself. Only for J&E. It is weird to lose something so precious, but not feel sad for yourself, only for the people you were trying to help.

A blighted ovum is what the diagnosis was. Most likely a genetic defect with the embryo.  All the positive beta test that I had gotten were the result of the sac forming and the HCG was being read off of the progesterone that was coming off of the sac.

Luckily, E was not on skype, we hadn't been able to set up anything prior to the u/s, but we did call her right away and let the doctor tell her. Devastated, yes...heartbroken, yes......but through all this, she wanted to make sure that I was ok. I spoke with her briefly and we decided to let this just sink in, everyone take a few days to breathe and we will touch base soon.

This was E's 15th egg retrieval. 15 disappointments, 15 heartbreaks, 15 losses. How do you come back? I have no idea....the strength that she has is something that I am in awe of. I know that this was a really tough retrieval for her and she has mentioned she is not sure if she can do this again......can anyone blame her?  No matter what she decides I will support her and continue to help her in anyway that I can.

So now I am back in the waiting game. Waiting for my body to return to "normal", waiting to see what the RE says to J & E, waiting to see what their decision is going to be.

Will I be devastated if they decide to not continue.....of course, but I will 100% support them.

The only silver lining in this is that my uterus did its job with less than average embryos. So if we decide to continue, I think egg donation would be the way to go. I really truly believe in my heart this team can do this......but I can't make that decision for them.....

So as I said, I truly believe this is not how this story is supposed to end.......this can happen, it just has to happen.

Thanks for the support. I will check in when I have more info. to share.

Settling In

So as I sit here on a Saturday morning, snuggled up against my babies watching Disney the realization that I am pregnant is actually starting to become part of my new reality and I am settling into this new role that I have signed up for.
I am not going to lie and say that there haven't been tiny moments of "what did I do"..and "how am I going to manage all this?", especially this week......this has been a tough week. The babes have been sick and the move to the new house has been overwhelming. On day 2 of our move in we realized that we have a slab leak, which means our water has been turned off for about 5 days now. Not such a big deal, but when your patience level is at an all time low and you are dealing with sick kids, anything left over is pretty much adding to an already full plate.
And the exhaustion has really begun to set in. I am so tired at different points of my day and I can't seem to shake it. Where I once would slug down a cup of afternoon caffeine is no longer an option. I remember this tiredness when I was pregnant with Carter.....to my bones tired. But, at the time he was 2, my only child and still napping at least 2 hours every day (obvs. I was napping too!!). Now my life is a bit different......that 2 year old is now 5 and does not nap. My 2 year old, who thankfully does still nap; is going through a little clingy, whiny, crying phase right now that just drags me under.
I hate that I am complaining about this, but I feel like I can't really complain in real life because I think that people will just look at me and say, "ummm...didn't you volunteer to do this?", but sometimes it is necessary to vent, to cry and to be overwhelmed. I am so lucky to have such an awesome support system with my parents and husband, but lets face it, I am driving this ship and dealing with a lot of this on my own. I am expected to retain the normal routine of our household.The Enoch house doesn't stop because I decided to get pregnant. As noble as it is to be a surrogate, life still has to go on....dinner needs to be made, laundry needs to be done, carpools, bills paid, house cleaned........real life is not going to stop for 9 months so I can be pregnant in peace.
But, alas, I will make it. I have to. The responsibility that I have been granted is super amazing and I do not take it lightly.
That being said, my Beta test was super-duper fabuloso this week.....867....yes, eight hundred and frickin sixty-seven.....quite an awesome jump from my little ole 49. I am pretty proud and super excited. I am officially 5 1/2 weeks along and have one more Beta test to get through before we possibly get to have an ultrasound to see the heartbeat!!!
Ok, thanks for letting me rant........off to try to get my non eating 2 year old to actually eat something other than Ranch dressing and a Popsicle for breakfast.......

Humbled

Well, I have not been on the ball this week at all.......life has been so hectic and stupid crazy. Sometimes I feel like my head is barely above the water that I am treading. Moving and a sick toddler has really done me in this week. That being said, team baby was blessed with some amazing news on Wednesday.
I am sure most of you know by now that I am indeed preggers! I had been sure that I wasn't (please see previous depressing post), positive that the Beta test was going to read negative and was rehearsing my apologies to J & E. When Wed. morning rolled around, I was nervous, because I was still a little hopeful, but trying to convince myself that it was ok.....if it didn't work this time, we can try again in a few months. I busied myself all day, was on the phone a lot to distract my mind and then about 2pm I finally got the call.....when the nurse told me that the number was a 49 and that anything above a 5 is positive....I swear I about peed my pants...(and we def. all know that I am very capable of that...please see transfer day post) :) 49 is great number, solid and really strong. This week is another test to make sure that the number is doubling and baby is growing strong.
As for J & E, they are ecstatic, they are over the moon and they are still a little scared too. Me too. I want this so badly for them, I want them to have their dream and I so badly want to be able to give this to them. Already this pregnancy is very different than my others with my own babies. I know I have this precious gift that I am in charge of making sure is healthy and strong. I am responsible for someone else's baby boy/girl for 9 months. When I start to think about it, it can get a little overwhelming.
But for now I am not going to think about that.....I am humbled and I am so incredibly grateful that I get to be a part of this miracle.
But as for now, I am off to hang with my sickie little girl and pack a few boxes......mom duty calls!!

Blah....

Blah...that is how I am feeling right now. It has been exactly 1 week since the transfer and I am feeling; well, blah.....
Maybe because of this........

 This is my 5th test this week. It is so easy to become addicted to taking these things when you are SO badly wanting the outcome to go a certain way, and this is most certainly not the way that I wanted this to go.

 Granted, it is still a little early, I am officially 7 days past a transfer of 4 embryos that were 3 days old....7dpt3d....(total lingo that I am learning here!!) But, if I was REALLY preggers, with lets say multiples, I believe it would have already shown up.

I am learning there is a total science to taking there HPT (home pregnancy test). There are groups and blogs dedicated to what types of tests to buy and on what day to buy them. When I was pregnant with my own babies, I just got the cheapest test at CVS and presto.....So that being said, I went ahead and bought the Clear Blue Digital, the GOLDEN MECCA  of HPT's, according to many bloggers. Many ladies swear that by day 7, if you are really pregnant you will see it on this test. Well you already know what I saw. :(

So what to do from here? Well, I still officially have to go get my blood drawn on Wed the 12th. Here they will check my Beta and that will be the tried and true test of a viable pregnancy. I am preparing for the worst, definitely still holding positive thought that I will have a high beta count and truly be preggers. I just am so sad for J & E if this transfer does not take. I am sad for them and feel so disappointed in myself. Was it me? Did I not do something right? Why did those little embies not stick to my "perfect" uterus? Ugh......so frustrating. I am so used to being able to set my mind to something and doing it. This is a true test of my patience and endurance.

Is there a plan B?  I have no idea.  I have learned you do not talk about plan B until plan A is over and done. I have no idea what J & E will do if the test is negative on Wed. I have committed myself to sticking through this with them for as long as they want to. They deserve that, and I want to give that to them.

So I guess chin up for now, we shall see what Wed. brings.......fingers and toes crossed still pretty please!!!