Sad, Sorry, Heartbroken

So I needed a full day to digest all that has happened. It has been about 24 hours of boo-hooing and grumpiness. I needed that....I needed to be sad, sorry and heartbroken. I still am and will continue to be, but today is a new day and I am trying to remember this quote I saw recently on some blog.....

"At any given moment YOU have the power to say this is NOT how the story is going to end....."

YES!!!!!! Heck yes, this is not how this is going to end....this story is going to end in a hospital room with me handing over a precious baby to a set of outstretched awaiting arms.....arms that have longed to hold their child.

As you may have guessed, I am not pregnant. We had our first ultrasound yesterday and discovered that there was no fetal development. I had formed the gestational sac, but it was empty. Words can not express the feelings that I felt when looking at that screen. I just knew. I mean I know I am not an expert, but having been through this twice already with my own babies, I know what a 7 week ultrasound is supposed to look like. It is not supposed to be lifeless, empty and dark.

The feelings that I felt; loss, sadness, grief, anger....not for myself. Only for J&E. It is weird to lose something so precious, but not feel sad for yourself, only for the people you were trying to help.

A blighted ovum is what the diagnosis was. Most likely a genetic defect with the embryo.  All the positive beta test that I had gotten were the result of the sac forming and the HCG was being read off of the progesterone that was coming off of the sac.

Luckily, E was not on skype, we hadn't been able to set up anything prior to the u/s, but we did call her right away and let the doctor tell her. Devastated, yes...heartbroken, yes......but through all this, she wanted to make sure that I was ok. I spoke with her briefly and we decided to let this just sink in, everyone take a few days to breathe and we will touch base soon.

This was E's 15th egg retrieval. 15 disappointments, 15 heartbreaks, 15 losses. How do you come back? I have no idea....the strength that she has is something that I am in awe of. I know that this was a really tough retrieval for her and she has mentioned she is not sure if she can do this again......can anyone blame her?  No matter what she decides I will support her and continue to help her in anyway that I can.

So now I am back in the waiting game. Waiting for my body to return to "normal", waiting to see what the RE says to J & E, waiting to see what their decision is going to be.

Will I be devastated if they decide to not continue.....of course, but I will 100% support them.

The only silver lining in this is that my uterus did its job with less than average embryos. So if we decide to continue, I think egg donation would be the way to go. I really truly believe in my heart this team can do this......but I can't make that decision for them.....

So as I said, I truly believe this is not how this story is supposed to end.......this can happen, it just has to happen.

Thanks for the support. I will check in when I have more info. to share.