Settling In

So as I sit here on a Saturday morning, snuggled up against my babies watching Disney the realization that I am pregnant is actually starting to become part of my new reality and I am settling into this new role that I have signed up for.
I am not going to lie and say that there haven't been tiny moments of "what did I do"..and "how am I going to manage all this?", especially this week......this has been a tough week. The babes have been sick and the move to the new house has been overwhelming. On day 2 of our move in we realized that we have a slab leak, which means our water has been turned off for about 5 days now. Not such a big deal, but when your patience level is at an all time low and you are dealing with sick kids, anything left over is pretty much adding to an already full plate.
And the exhaustion has really begun to set in. I am so tired at different points of my day and I can't seem to shake it. Where I once would slug down a cup of afternoon caffeine is no longer an option. I remember this tiredness when I was pregnant with Carter.....to my bones tired. But, at the time he was 2, my only child and still napping at least 2 hours every day (obvs. I was napping too!!). Now my life is a bit different......that 2 year old is now 5 and does not nap. My 2 year old, who thankfully does still nap; is going through a little clingy, whiny, crying phase right now that just drags me under.
I hate that I am complaining about this, but I feel like I can't really complain in real life because I think that people will just look at me and say, "ummm...didn't you volunteer to do this?", but sometimes it is necessary to vent, to cry and to be overwhelmed. I am so lucky to have such an awesome support system with my parents and husband, but lets face it, I am driving this ship and dealing with a lot of this on my own. I am expected to retain the normal routine of our household.The Enoch house doesn't stop because I decided to get pregnant. As noble as it is to be a surrogate, life still has to go on....dinner needs to be made, laundry needs to be done, carpools, bills paid, house cleaned........real life is not going to stop for 9 months so I can be pregnant in peace.
But, alas, I will make it. I have to. The responsibility that I have been granted is super amazing and I do not take it lightly.
That being said, my Beta test was super-duper fabuloso this week.....867....yes, eight hundred and frickin sixty-seven.....quite an awesome jump from my little ole 49. I am pretty proud and super excited. I am officially 5 1/2 weeks along and have one more Beta test to get through before we possibly get to have an ultrasound to see the heartbeat!!!
Ok, thanks for letting me rant........off to try to get my non eating 2 year old to actually eat something other than Ranch dressing and a Popsicle for breakfast.......

Humbled

Well, I have not been on the ball this week at all.......life has been so hectic and stupid crazy. Sometimes I feel like my head is barely above the water that I am treading. Moving and a sick toddler has really done me in this week. That being said, team baby was blessed with some amazing news on Wednesday.
I am sure most of you know by now that I am indeed preggers! I had been sure that I wasn't (please see previous depressing post), positive that the Beta test was going to read negative and was rehearsing my apologies to J & E. When Wed. morning rolled around, I was nervous, because I was still a little hopeful, but trying to convince myself that it was ok.....if it didn't work this time, we can try again in a few months. I busied myself all day, was on the phone a lot to distract my mind and then about 2pm I finally got the call.....when the nurse told me that the number was a 49 and that anything above a 5 is positive....I swear I about peed my pants...(and we def. all know that I am very capable of that...please see transfer day post) :) 49 is great number, solid and really strong. This week is another test to make sure that the number is doubling and baby is growing strong.
As for J & E, they are ecstatic, they are over the moon and they are still a little scared too. Me too. I want this so badly for them, I want them to have their dream and I so badly want to be able to give this to them. Already this pregnancy is very different than my others with my own babies. I know I have this precious gift that I am in charge of making sure is healthy and strong. I am responsible for someone else's baby boy/girl for 9 months. When I start to think about it, it can get a little overwhelming.
But for now I am not going to think about that.....I am humbled and I am so incredibly grateful that I get to be a part of this miracle.
But as for now, I am off to hang with my sickie little girl and pack a few boxes......mom duty calls!!

Blah....

Blah...that is how I am feeling right now. It has been exactly 1 week since the transfer and I am feeling; well, blah.....
Maybe because of this........

 This is my 5th test this week. It is so easy to become addicted to taking these things when you are SO badly wanting the outcome to go a certain way, and this is most certainly not the way that I wanted this to go.

 Granted, it is still a little early, I am officially 7 days past a transfer of 4 embryos that were 3 days old....7dpt3d....(total lingo that I am learning here!!) But, if I was REALLY preggers, with lets say multiples, I believe it would have already shown up.

I am learning there is a total science to taking there HPT (home pregnancy test). There are groups and blogs dedicated to what types of tests to buy and on what day to buy them. When I was pregnant with my own babies, I just got the cheapest test at CVS and presto.....So that being said, I went ahead and bought the Clear Blue Digital, the GOLDEN MECCA  of HPT's, according to many bloggers. Many ladies swear that by day 7, if you are really pregnant you will see it on this test. Well you already know what I saw. :(

So what to do from here? Well, I still officially have to go get my blood drawn on Wed the 12th. Here they will check my Beta and that will be the tried and true test of a viable pregnancy. I am preparing for the worst, definitely still holding positive thought that I will have a high beta count and truly be preggers. I just am so sad for J & E if this transfer does not take. I am sad for them and feel so disappointed in myself. Was it me? Did I not do something right? Why did those little embies not stick to my "perfect" uterus? Ugh......so frustrating. I am so used to being able to set my mind to something and doing it. This is a true test of my patience and endurance.

Is there a plan B?  I have no idea.  I have learned you do not talk about plan B until plan A is over and done. I have no idea what J & E will do if the test is negative on Wed. I have committed myself to sticking through this with them for as long as they want to. They deserve that, and I want to give that to them.

So I guess chin up for now, we shall see what Wed. brings.......fingers and toes crossed still pretty please!!!

Transfer Day!!

Here we are, the big day.....so many emotions are coursing through this brain/body of mine.
I have already undergone the procedure and happy to report that it was incredibly painless and easier than I could have ever imagined. The Dr. was able to implant 4 embryos that got an average grade of about 5.1. What does this mean you ask, well I am not really sure, but the nurse insisted that it was a good number and that the cells looked really, really good. E was there and we were both extremely excited and very happy.
So for now, I am relaxing in a beautiful hotel in LA, keeping my feet up and catching up on all the trashy entertaining reality TV that I never watch at home.
There are some entertaining stories that happened on the way to LA this morning, that I may or may not share here. Breaking carpool laws, driving through gang country, freaking out on the phone to Tim, clothing issues...
Ok, of course I will share, one teensy little story.....lets just say that per doctors orders I made sure to have a FULL bladder upon arrival. Not knowing that the drive was going to take an hour and half, with traffic and so many wrong turns and me literally shaking because I had to frickin pee so bad. Ummmmm, I may or may have not been forever thankful for Huggies diapers that are stashed in the back seat for my toddler.....there, I said it......I can't even tell you how much I was DYING....
So for now;my bladder is empty, my feet up, tummy is full of food that I didn't make. I am going to enjoy my little vaca and dream of babies tonight.......

We have eggs!!

Today E had her retrieval.....7 eggs total!! YAY! Hoping that these are strong and healthy and that the embryos will be super sticky!! :)
My transfer is scheduled for Friday 10/7, slight chance for Sunday, 10/9. I am nervous but really excited for this all to happen. It is the anticipation of not knowing any of the final outcome.
I have been saying all sorts of crazy prayers today for E...I know that the retrieval is uncomfortable, painful and emotional. J had to fly back to Paris, so she is by herself and going through this alone.
If you get a chance to whisper a prayer for her, that would be awesome.
Please keep both of us in your thoughts this week.......it is a big one!!!
xoxo

Been listening to this beauty and getting soe awesome strength and comfort from it....what an amazing rendition.
http://www.examiner.com/church-of-christ-in-detroit/how-great-thou-art-as-performed-by-carrie-underwood-vince-gill-video