Sad, Sorry, Heartbroken

So I needed a full day to digest all that has happened. It has been about 24 hours of boo-hooing and grumpiness. I needed that....I needed to be sad, sorry and heartbroken. I still am and will continue to be, but today is a new day and I am trying to remember this quote I saw recently on some blog.....

"At any given moment YOU have the power to say this is NOT how the story is going to end....."

YES!!!!!! Heck yes, this is not how this is going to end....this story is going to end in a hospital room with me handing over a precious baby to a set of outstretched awaiting arms.....arms that have longed to hold their child.

As you may have guessed, I am not pregnant. We had our first ultrasound yesterday and discovered that there was no fetal development. I had formed the gestational sac, but it was empty. Words can not express the feelings that I felt when looking at that screen. I just knew. I mean I know I am not an expert, but having been through this twice already with my own babies, I know what a 7 week ultrasound is supposed to look like. It is not supposed to be lifeless, empty and dark.

The feelings that I felt; loss, sadness, grief, anger....not for myself. Only for J&E. It is weird to lose something so precious, but not feel sad for yourself, only for the people you were trying to help.

A blighted ovum is what the diagnosis was. Most likely a genetic defect with the embryo.  All the positive beta test that I had gotten were the result of the sac forming and the HCG was being read off of the progesterone that was coming off of the sac.

Luckily, E was not on skype, we hadn't been able to set up anything prior to the u/s, but we did call her right away and let the doctor tell her. Devastated, yes...heartbroken, yes......but through all this, she wanted to make sure that I was ok. I spoke with her briefly and we decided to let this just sink in, everyone take a few days to breathe and we will touch base soon.

This was E's 15th egg retrieval. 15 disappointments, 15 heartbreaks, 15 losses. How do you come back? I have no idea....the strength that she has is something that I am in awe of. I know that this was a really tough retrieval for her and she has mentioned she is not sure if she can do this again......can anyone blame her?  No matter what she decides I will support her and continue to help her in anyway that I can.

So now I am back in the waiting game. Waiting for my body to return to "normal", waiting to see what the RE says to J & E, waiting to see what their decision is going to be.

Will I be devastated if they decide to not continue.....of course, but I will 100% support them.

The only silver lining in this is that my uterus did its job with less than average embryos. So if we decide to continue, I think egg donation would be the way to go. I really truly believe in my heart this team can do this......but I can't make that decision for them.....

So as I said, I truly believe this is not how this story is supposed to end.......this can happen, it just has to happen.

Thanks for the support. I will check in when I have more info. to share.

Settling In

So as I sit here on a Saturday morning, snuggled up against my babies watching Disney the realization that I am pregnant is actually starting to become part of my new reality and I am settling into this new role that I have signed up for.
I am not going to lie and say that there haven't been tiny moments of "what did I do"..and "how am I going to manage all this?", especially this week......this has been a tough week. The babes have been sick and the move to the new house has been overwhelming. On day 2 of our move in we realized that we have a slab leak, which means our water has been turned off for about 5 days now. Not such a big deal, but when your patience level is at an all time low and you are dealing with sick kids, anything left over is pretty much adding to an already full plate.
And the exhaustion has really begun to set in. I am so tired at different points of my day and I can't seem to shake it. Where I once would slug down a cup of afternoon caffeine is no longer an option. I remember this tiredness when I was pregnant with Carter.....to my bones tired. But, at the time he was 2, my only child and still napping at least 2 hours every day (obvs. I was napping too!!). Now my life is a bit different......that 2 year old is now 5 and does not nap. My 2 year old, who thankfully does still nap; is going through a little clingy, whiny, crying phase right now that just drags me under.
I hate that I am complaining about this, but I feel like I can't really complain in real life because I think that people will just look at me and say, "ummm...didn't you volunteer to do this?", but sometimes it is necessary to vent, to cry and to be overwhelmed. I am so lucky to have such an awesome support system with my parents and husband, but lets face it, I am driving this ship and dealing with a lot of this on my own. I am expected to retain the normal routine of our household.The Enoch house doesn't stop because I decided to get pregnant. As noble as it is to be a surrogate, life still has to go on....dinner needs to be made, laundry needs to be done, carpools, bills paid, house cleaned........real life is not going to stop for 9 months so I can be pregnant in peace.
But, alas, I will make it. I have to. The responsibility that I have been granted is super amazing and I do not take it lightly.
That being said, my Beta test was super-duper fabuloso this week.....867....yes, eight hundred and frickin sixty-seven.....quite an awesome jump from my little ole 49. I am pretty proud and super excited. I am officially 5 1/2 weeks along and have one more Beta test to get through before we possibly get to have an ultrasound to see the heartbeat!!!
Ok, thanks for letting me rant........off to try to get my non eating 2 year old to actually eat something other than Ranch dressing and a Popsicle for breakfast.......

Humbled

Well, I have not been on the ball this week at all.......life has been so hectic and stupid crazy. Sometimes I feel like my head is barely above the water that I am treading. Moving and a sick toddler has really done me in this week. That being said, team baby was blessed with some amazing news on Wednesday.
I am sure most of you know by now that I am indeed preggers! I had been sure that I wasn't (please see previous depressing post), positive that the Beta test was going to read negative and was rehearsing my apologies to J & E. When Wed. morning rolled around, I was nervous, because I was still a little hopeful, but trying to convince myself that it was ok.....if it didn't work this time, we can try again in a few months. I busied myself all day, was on the phone a lot to distract my mind and then about 2pm I finally got the call.....when the nurse told me that the number was a 49 and that anything above a 5 is positive....I swear I about peed my pants...(and we def. all know that I am very capable of that...please see transfer day post) :) 49 is great number, solid and really strong. This week is another test to make sure that the number is doubling and baby is growing strong.
As for J & E, they are ecstatic, they are over the moon and they are still a little scared too. Me too. I want this so badly for them, I want them to have their dream and I so badly want to be able to give this to them. Already this pregnancy is very different than my others with my own babies. I know I have this precious gift that I am in charge of making sure is healthy and strong. I am responsible for someone else's baby boy/girl for 9 months. When I start to think about it, it can get a little overwhelming.
But for now I am not going to think about that.....I am humbled and I am so incredibly grateful that I get to be a part of this miracle.
But as for now, I am off to hang with my sickie little girl and pack a few boxes......mom duty calls!!

Blah....

Blah...that is how I am feeling right now. It has been exactly 1 week since the transfer and I am feeling; well, blah.....
Maybe because of this........

 This is my 5th test this week. It is so easy to become addicted to taking these things when you are SO badly wanting the outcome to go a certain way, and this is most certainly not the way that I wanted this to go.

 Granted, it is still a little early, I am officially 7 days past a transfer of 4 embryos that were 3 days old....7dpt3d....(total lingo that I am learning here!!) But, if I was REALLY preggers, with lets say multiples, I believe it would have already shown up.

I am learning there is a total science to taking there HPT (home pregnancy test). There are groups and blogs dedicated to what types of tests to buy and on what day to buy them. When I was pregnant with my own babies, I just got the cheapest test at CVS and presto.....So that being said, I went ahead and bought the Clear Blue Digital, the GOLDEN MECCA  of HPT's, according to many bloggers. Many ladies swear that by day 7, if you are really pregnant you will see it on this test. Well you already know what I saw. :(

So what to do from here? Well, I still officially have to go get my blood drawn on Wed the 12th. Here they will check my Beta and that will be the tried and true test of a viable pregnancy. I am preparing for the worst, definitely still holding positive thought that I will have a high beta count and truly be preggers. I just am so sad for J & E if this transfer does not take. I am sad for them and feel so disappointed in myself. Was it me? Did I not do something right? Why did those little embies not stick to my "perfect" uterus? Ugh......so frustrating. I am so used to being able to set my mind to something and doing it. This is a true test of my patience and endurance.

Is there a plan B?  I have no idea.  I have learned you do not talk about plan B until plan A is over and done. I have no idea what J & E will do if the test is negative on Wed. I have committed myself to sticking through this with them for as long as they want to. They deserve that, and I want to give that to them.

So I guess chin up for now, we shall see what Wed. brings.......fingers and toes crossed still pretty please!!!

Transfer Day!!

Here we are, the big day.....so many emotions are coursing through this brain/body of mine.
I have already undergone the procedure and happy to report that it was incredibly painless and easier than I could have ever imagined. The Dr. was able to implant 4 embryos that got an average grade of about 5.1. What does this mean you ask, well I am not really sure, but the nurse insisted that it was a good number and that the cells looked really, really good. E was there and we were both extremely excited and very happy.
So for now, I am relaxing in a beautiful hotel in LA, keeping my feet up and catching up on all the trashy entertaining reality TV that I never watch at home.
There are some entertaining stories that happened on the way to LA this morning, that I may or may not share here. Breaking carpool laws, driving through gang country, freaking out on the phone to Tim, clothing issues...
Ok, of course I will share, one teensy little story.....lets just say that per doctors orders I made sure to have a FULL bladder upon arrival. Not knowing that the drive was going to take an hour and half, with traffic and so many wrong turns and me literally shaking because I had to frickin pee so bad. Ummmmm, I may or may have not been forever thankful for Huggies diapers that are stashed in the back seat for my toddler.....there, I said it......I can't even tell you how much I was DYING....
So for now;my bladder is empty, my feet up, tummy is full of food that I didn't make. I am going to enjoy my little vaca and dream of babies tonight.......

We have eggs!!

Today E had her retrieval.....7 eggs total!! YAY! Hoping that these are strong and healthy and that the embryos will be super sticky!! :)
My transfer is scheduled for Friday 10/7, slight chance for Sunday, 10/9. I am nervous but really excited for this all to happen. It is the anticipation of not knowing any of the final outcome.
I have been saying all sorts of crazy prayers today for E...I know that the retrieval is uncomfortable, painful and emotional. J had to fly back to Paris, so she is by herself and going through this alone.
If you get a chance to whisper a prayer for her, that would be awesome.
Please keep both of us in your thoughts this week.......it is a big one!!!
xoxo

Been listening to this beauty and getting soe awesome strength and comfort from it....what an amazing rendition.
http://www.examiner.com/church-of-christ-in-detroit/how-great-thou-art-as-performed-by-carrie-underwood-vince-gill-video

Happy

Today was one of those days that you know you are going to remember for the REST of your life. It is almost surreal because it is like you are completely in the present, but can look into the future at the same time and know that 10 years from now, I will remember everything about this day.
Here is the background...
J&E flew in this week for an ultrasound and of course the retrieval (yes, scary crazy that we are at this stage already!) and will be staying around for the transfer. Today I also had an appointment for an ultrasound to see how this girls uterus and all those other fun parts are stacking up under the influence of all these awesome meds. I have been injecting. So everything was coordinated so that our appointments were at similar times and then we could go out to lunch afterwards.
I was really nervous. I don't know why...well maybe I know why....I have only met them in person once, back in May, we have e-mailed a bit back and forth, but have not had any one on one interactions. I just really wanted to make another good impression,  kind of to hammer it down that "yes, I am the perfect person to carry your child for 9 months, then give birth to such child and then hand over to you such child". Silly I know, cuz they already decided to have me be their surrogate and we have been plugging along here for quite some time, still......
After a CRAZY drive to LA, I somehow still managed to get to the appointment early and after coming out of the lab where my blood was drawn, again, I saw J & E crossing the lobby. J is super tall and super French and super easy to spot. E is super, crazy, ridiculously tiny and just oozes Parisian style; que in beautiful Chanel ballet flats, Hermes scarf, tailored pants,she is by all means perfectly French. We both saw each other and immediately I felt it...this crazy, awesome feeling. "This is right, this is perfectly right" I said to myself.....like the final piece to the puzzle.....together we all are one surro team that fits "just right".
Greetings, hugs, super cool French air kisses followed and then we got down to baby makin biz-nass.

2 ultrasounds later (one for me and one for E) we found out that she has 4 perfectly beautiful eggs and I have a "textbook" uterus, ah thankyouverymuch.......:) We all left leaving the office in great spirits and headed to Brentwood at a little "casual" Italian restaurant that J & E had picked out.  By casual, I mean, I swear I saw Kyle from Real Housewives and maybe used the same restroom as someone that could or could have not been on TV.....but honestly, it didn't even phase me. I was so tuned in to J & E and we were in our own little world...laughing, eating, talking, smiling......It was at this table in the middle of this little outdoor cafe that I realized, I am so happy. I am so incredibly happy to be doing this for these deserving people. It feels insanely good to risk something for someone else. Everyday my life is all about my kids, my husband and maybe a little about me. But to step out of my little bubble and extend myself feels SO damn good.
So 2 hours later full of pasta, cheese that I do not even know how to pronounce, but is so stinkin good, and delicious bread we left our little cafe. But before we left we made a big cheers...glasses raised, glances cast and smiles adorned and me declaring us "team baby"!!
Stay tuned, next week will hopefully be the big TRANSFER.....toes crossed, fingers crossed, prayers whispered for me, pretty please???

A big fat THANKS!!!

I just wanted to thank everyone who looked at the blog this week and left me some awesome supportive comments. :)
Honestly, most of the feedback that I have gotten has been super awesome. I had only told a few people prior to telling EVERYONE  and so far the feeback has been off the charts amazing!!

There have been the few people that feel it is their duty to tell me "wow, I could never give my baby up" and "are they paying you a ton of money or something to do this".....and so on......My general response in my head to those people is "seriously, are you this lame?" But,  my actual response that comes out of my mouth is " Well it isn't MY baby to begin with, so I am not giving anyone up.. and, "it is a good thing that they didn't ask you to be a surrogate".

The money question.....well me being me, and being honest about everything to a fault, I tell them how much I am making. I mean I know that they WANT to know, so I am not going to beat around any bushes. But the fact of the matter is, I am not doing this for the money, yes, it is nice to be compensated for the 9 months that I will be growing a human being, but it is not life changing money. Much the same way that teachers choose their profession...it is not going to make them rich, but the chance to help others is an amazing thing and they feel a calling to it.

So anyways, thanks again everyone.......the support will be so special to me as I tread through the long journey ahead.

Loopy

So I haven't had much to report lately. A lot of this process involves waiting and perfect timing. It is crazy how the medical field can manipulate nature to make this all happen. They are having to literally sync my body up with E's. But so far so good. I have never been so predictable. Never!!
I started Lupron about 2 weeks ago. My fellow surros call it,  "Loopy on Lupron". Yes, the first day was hell, but I recovered and since then it really hasn't been too awful. Injecting myself on a daily basis with a hormone is pretty gnarly and def. something I never though that I could pull off......Tim watched me one night sticking the needle in my stomach and was really impressed......I just shrugged it off as it was no big deal, but to be honest, every night I really dread doing it. I have an alarm on my phone to remind me of when to take the med. and I probably wait until 2 hours later to actually do it. I try not to complain and put myself where E is and has been....she has gone through this ordeal 14 times and failed 14 times. Now that is a hell I would never want to live through.
This week I added yet another hormone....estrogen patches. I have to wear them on my lower abdomen 24 hours a day for 2 days at a time, then switch them out with 2 different patches. The first night I put them on I had a pounding, not so pretty, leave mom alone headache. I crawled into bed and didn't come up for air until I was needed by Carter to turn on the TV the next morning. That too passed and I am feeling a little better now that my body is regulating itself back to "normal". Again, trying not to complain here as I go through any of this, because at the end of the day, my arms are full with my babies to hold and E's are still empty.....
I heard from E yesterday and she said she had gotten her period, which is what we were waiting for, so it is looking like the transfer might be early October...holy smokies, but SO exciting...I got a bit of goosebumps when I read those words. But that being said it is TOTAL perfect timing (insert my very sarcastic voice here), you might say, since we just bought a house and are planning to start moving and packing that VERY SAME WEEK!!! oops!! Looks like awesome, bestest, amazing hubby is going to shoulder much of that this time...shucks!! I am trying to convince him of that this is an opportunity to actually hire MOVERS!!! Wow, what a concept.....:)
So that is it for now.....report more when I know more........

And So It Begins

I got a lovely package in the mail today....it was a big box delivered right to my doorstep marked CONFIDENTIAL, OPEN IMMEDIATELY, PERISHABLE ITEMS INSIDE.....wow, what comes in a box that says all those things? I really had NO idea what I was getting.....did Tim order me something, did I order something and forget about it?
I quickly go inside, put down the 1 child I am carrying, the purse, 2 sippy cups and the big mystery box and rip into it....out comes this......

Big deep breath, big swallow of the knot that has formed in my throat and big slap of reality across my face....."and so it begins", I tell myself.  I knew this moment was coming, have been kind of picturing what the Lupron injections are going to look like.....but to have it all staring at you from a big white cooler box is a little overwhelming.
So I do what I do best in these situations, get organized.......I put the Lupron in the fridge, lined up all the meds, put the needles away and out of sight, ugh...and changed my tude.......cuz no one is forcing me to do this and at the end of the day when the fear subsides, I am EXCITED.......wrote a quick e-mail to J&E to let them know that my meds. box had arrived and went on with my night......
Here we GO!!!!!!

Waiting..wondering...hoping..

So I caught myself looking at maternity clothes online today. I quickly turned the page off and went to a different site. I kind of feel like a single women trying on wedding dresses...major no-no. No jinxing allowed.
I try to not think about getting pregnant, I try to not think about how this expereince would not only change my life, but J&E's as well. But it is so hard to not daydream and wish, pray, hope and cross every finger and toe that this will happen.
I haven't had much contact with J&E since we met. A few e-mails here and there, but honestly, what is the point of bonding and forming this relationship if the pregnancy doesn't happen. I always have to remind myself that this is science, not really nature and things happen in science that you don't want to happen. This pregnancy might NOT happen. It is not what I hope for, but it is a reality that I must face.
So until then I daydream. We have a tentative start date at the end of September, but there is really nothing else going on until then. I am taking birth control pills to regulate my cycle, but that is it.
So in the meantime, I take care of my family, run errands, go to playgroups, entertain 2 littles and wait, wonder and hope....

The Beginning

So here I am.....I have always thought about starting a blog, writing down my daily experiences and thoughts. But, I didn't really think that I had much to say that would interest anyone else and with this whole blogging community brimming with awesome bloggers, I guess I felt a little intimidated...to say the least. But then I decided to shake up my life a bit....as if having 2 kids under the age of 4, running a business and trying to run a household wasn't enough.....
What did I decide to do? Well, I decided to become a surrogate. Yes, you heard it right......surrogate......crazy, right? Well to me it is a little crazy, but more like crazy beautiful.......
So this is my journey, the beginning, the middle and the end......I am all about being honest and can be a little rough around the edges, so SORRY...(kind of). Some names will be changed to protect identity, but otherwise you will get the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Thanks for checking it out!